Do I Need Therapy?

Have you been thinking about counseling, but you don’t know if it’s right for you? It’s normal to start thinking about how counseling interventions can help improve your life, but like any significant life choice, it could take some time to decide if and when you’re ready. Mental health counseling isn’t one-size-fits all and each approach to improving your mental health is both highly personal and specialized. However, there are some tell-tale signs that you might be ready to start receiving help from licensed mental health doctors to improve your life.

Six Differences in Couples’ Communication Style

Many articles have been written about the ways men and women communicate differently. From a neurological (i.e. biological) perspective, the male and female brains process intellectual thought and emotions, and therefore communication, differently. However, we all have a male and female side, so to speak, so whether you are a man or a woman, you might find yourself switching from the “he” or “she” role and back again. Because of that, knowing these styles can be just as helpful to same-sex couples as they are for straight couples.

How Confidential is Confidentiality?

Confidentiality is sacred in Florida. Anything and everything you say in therapy is protected by law, and a court order is required to allow the therapist to break that confidentiality. Even then, judges are very reluctant to issue such an order. That said, there are a few circumstances in which confidentiality can be broken.

Do People with Severe Mental Disorders Know They Have Them?

Are you asking yourself “Do I need help?” No one enters therapy unless they think they have a problem, so the short answer is, “Yes.” However, very few people come into my office saying, “I think I have schizophrenia/narcissism/borderline/etc.” The vast majority of new clients come in complaining of some combination of four things

What Should Therapists Keep to Themselves?

There is very little I will not say to a client; it’s part of my job to be open and honest with them. It’s more about “how” I say it. Emotional upheaval and poor coping skills are a recipe for irrational thinking and behavior.

Should a Therapist Advise Divorce?

As a general rule, it is considered unethical for mental health professionals to give advice at all. Our job is to help you learn to make those decisions yourself, not to tell you how to make them…

Are Intensive Couples Retreats More Effective Than Weekly One Hour Sessions?

Generally speaking, I would recommend the multi-day retreat for couples who don’t necessarily have a specific problem, but are interested in growing closer and learning more about each other. Many of these retreats teach useful skills such as communication, partner appreciation, finance management, dividing the household chores, parenting, and many others. This type of retreat can also be an excellent resource for premarital couples.

Breaking Up Is Hard to Do

Generally, the younger you are or the longer, more serious the relationship, the greater the emotional toll. Emotional healing takes time, just like physical healing. The deeper the wound, the longer it takes.

Can Therapy Give Me Closure?

If something happened that is so traumatic or upsetting that you’re struggling with it, seeing a therapist is a good idea. However, know that unless you have a time machine and can go back and undo that experience, it will always be with you. You may struggle to understand or explain what happened; you yearn for “closure.” It’s human nature to seek reasons and explanations when bad things happen.

Referring Your Family Law Clients to Counseling

This is a question I get from lawyers, as well as from other people. The common thought seems to be that the divorce is already in progress, so why bother? Because mental health problems in one or both spouses are a common cause of divorce. After the divorce is finished, those mental health problems will still exist unless they are treated. Likewise, divorce can also be the cause of mental health problems. Depression, anxiety, anger, substance abuse, and many, many other problems can result from the stress of divorce. Divorce and other life-changing events can also trigger latent mental health problems. If you think a client has a mental health problem, wouldn’t you be serving your client by recommending a counselor?

Why Do I Act That Way?

When was the last time you snapped at a partner, friend, or family member and then asked yourself, “Why did I react that way?” “Why did that make me angry?” “Why do I feel so ignored or invalidated?” Chances are these seemingly automatic, shoot-from-the-hip responses come from your early interactions with your parent(s)/caregiver and family of origin. As children, we learn how to respond to emotional stimuli by interacting with our families of origin i.e., the family you grew up in. When those interactions are healthy, we learn good coping skills. However, when those interactions are unhealthy, we learn dysfunctional coping skills. Life-long emotional struggles such as anxiety and depression often have their origin in this way. Let me give you an example:

Brad is a 26-year-old college graduate with a good job. Brad has dated several women since college, a couple of them seriously, but he can’t seem to make a relationship last. Everything goes well at first but after a while, the women he dates begin complaining that he is non-communicative. When there is a serious issue to discuss, Brad shuts down. The more emotional the discussion, the more he shuts down.

When Brad was a child, his parents and older siblings treated his problems as trivial. When Brad was upset about something, they would tell him, “Man up,” “Get over it,” or “It’s no big a deal.” In other words, they told him that his feelings were either inappropriate or had no value. Brad needed someone to validate his feelings but his family of origin ridiculed and belittled them instead. Even worse, when he was a small child and would cry, his father would tell him, “Stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about!” In other words, “Your feelings are so invalid and unimportant that you deserve a beating just for having them.” Brad knew he would get in even more trouble for walking away while the family was ridiculing him, so he learned that the only safe thing to do was to sit there, shut up, shut down, and wait for the storm to pass. Brad learned to suppress or ignore his feelings and to escape whenever the subject came up.

Fast forward twenty-something years. Through his early experiences, Brad learned that emotions are bad. Brad was taught from earliest childhood that conversations about feelings were to be avoided at all costs. But now, Brad’s girlfriend wants to talk about their feelings toward one another. So what does Brad do? Brad shuts down. Conversations about feelings are Brad’s cue to stop talking and zone out. Brad doesn’t know how to talk about feelings. Brad’s feelings are silly and ignorant and childish and should be repressed at every opportunity. Brad doesn’t have anything to say because Brad’s feelings are worthless and stupid. After a few attempts at the conversation, Brad’s girlfriend breaks up with him because, “he won’t talk to me.”

Brad is clueless as to why he acts the way he does. What can Brad do? First, Brad can take a look at how he learned to handle emotions by asking himself these family-of-origin questions:

How did your family respond to the feelings you expressed?
Did they listen attentively? Were they responsive to your feelings?
Did certain feelings, such as anger or sadness, cause discomfort or other problems in the family?
Did the family tend to ignore or downplay certain feelings?
Were some feelings OK to express and others not so much? If so, which feelings were OK, and which were not allowed (look for patterns)?
Did they apologize when they said or did something hurtful?
How did they respond when you expressed anger? Fear? Affection? Love?
How did they respond when you asserted yourself?
Did you feel like your family was there for you emotionally when you needed them?
Did you believe it was safe for you to share your vulnerabilities with them?
Answering these questions can illustrate the patterns of behavior that were modelled to you in childhood. If some of these behaviors were dysfunctional, how can you move past them? As a therapist, you can imagine that my advice is to seek therapy. However, there are a few things you can do on your own:

NAME IT AND CLAIM IT

Learn to recognize your emotions and give them names. Are you angry? Try to figure out why you’re angry. Do you feel invalidated? Jealous? Hurt? Then those are the emotions you’re feeling. You’re not feeling anger, you’re feeling hurt (or jealous or invalidated) and you’re expressing that feeling as anger.

Look for triggers. Often, the trigger you’re responding to is a leftover from the distant past. For example, Brad’s spouse asks him (for the third time) to take out the trash. Brad angrily snapped and said, “I’ll get to it!” Brad thinks back to the time when he was a child and his father would give him 30-minute lectures about taking out the trash, micromanage how he accomplished the task, then criticize him for doing it wrong. He felt humiliated and insulted, which made him angry. Today, decades later, he still responds with anger when someone tells him to take out the trash. That’s his trigger.

Practice observing and naming your emotions, then challenge them. In the previous example, Brad could challenge the emotion by asking himself, “Was my spouse acting like my father? Was my spouse lecturing me or micromanaging me?” Probably not. It is more likely that he was responding to the current situation based on his childhood experiences. Naming and challenging your emotions helps you to understand them, which helps you to control them.

RIDE IT OUT

When we feel triggered by a past hurt, our natural response is to try to escape it. Brad shuts down. Some people will go on the attack. Some people will deflect the issue by starting an argument about something else. Some people try to numb the pain with drugs or alcohol. However, the best solution is to stay with the feeling and ride it out. Emotions are normal; everybody has them. Analyze what you’re feeling. Describe it. Journal it if that helps. Pay attention to physical sensations. Do you get a headache when you feel this way? A pain in your chest? An upset stomach? Learn to recognize your individual symptoms of increased anxiety or stress. Stay with the feeling and you’ll learn something from it.

TIME OUT

This can be difficult to do in the middle of a highly emotional situation, but try to pause and reflect before responding. It’s often much easier to argue or yell back at the other person than it is to take a breath and check your feelings. However, taking that time can help you to craft a more positive and functional response. Tell the other person, “I need some time to respond to that.” Go for a walk. Do some gardening. While you reflect, ask yourself, “Why am I responding this way? Could my feelings be linked to a past experience?” Explore what you’re feeling and make sure its source is in the present, not the past.

BE MINDFUL

Once you have discovered what you’re really feeling, mindfully relate what feeling to you’re the other person. For example, Brad could tell his spouse that taking out the trash was a trigger for his father, which would lead him to verbally and emotionally abuse Brad. Taking out the trash then became a trigger for Brad. Brad could say something like, “I know you’re not being abusive like my father was, but I want you to understand where I’m coming from.” This will help Brad and his spouse to connect on a deeper level and to have a more genuine, authentic relationship.

How to Recognize Passive-Aggressive Behavior in Your Spouse or Partner

What does it mean to be passive-aggressive? The roots of passive-aggressiveness are in low self-esteem. Passive-aggressive people have a fear of, and therefore an aversion to, direct confrontation. Instead of getting angry and confronting the source of the conflict, the passive-aggressive (P/A) person will indirectly express their hostility through various subtle or “backhanded” ways. Living with a P/A spouse can be especially difficult.

Enhancing Your Partnership with Active Constructive Responding

The use of active constructive responding in relationships has led to an increase in the quantity and quality of sexual relations, an increase in feelings of closeness, and a decrease in problems and arguments. Even better news is that active constructive responding is not just for couples. It can be used with other relatives, coworkers, and friends. It can be used to bring closeness to any relationship.

Fair Fighting Rules for Couples – Part 2 of 2

This is a list of ground rules for having a fair fight with your spouse or partner. In any fight there may be hurt feelings, but this list will help you avoid hurting each other unnecessarily. Remember, you are with this person because you love them. Treat your spouse with love, even when you are fighting.

Fair Fighting Rules for Couples – Part 1 of 2

No two people agree on everything all the time. It’s simply not possible. Whether you call it a disagreement, an argument, or a fight, every couple does it. It’s normal. It’s healthy. If you and your spouse never disagree, you have a problem. One or both of you are denying your feelings or opinions, and that will lead to destructive resentment. It’s OK to argue, even to be emotionally invested in the argument, as long as you do it in a loving way.

What Do You Call Someone Who Has No Feelings

Some people wear their hearts on their sleeves and some people keep their feelings to themselves. Especially here in America, extroversion and gregariousness are highly valued. People who are quiet or reserved are often seen as upset, depressed, or “up to no good.” From an observational standpoint, it may appear that the person in question is emotionless, when in reality they just don’t let it out for the world to see. Neither way is right or wrong, just different.

A person who is truly lacking in emotion could be suffering from apathy or anhedonia.

Overcoming Post Pandemic Anxiety

Anxiety, especially social anxiety, can feel incredibly isolating. You might feel as though no one understands what you’re going through internally, but that’s where you’re mistaken. By reaching out to even one person, you can reduce your feeling of loneliness exponentially.