Enhancing Your Partnership with Active Constructive Responding

Using this model, an active destructive response would be something like, “Well, I guess the kids and I won’t see you for the next three months!” or something similarly negative. A passive destructive remark would be, “That’s nice, what do you want for dinner?” Most of us would probably go to the passive constructive response, which would be something like, “Congratulations, good job.”

Most people will immediately see how the two destructive responses are destructive to the relationship, but what about the passive constructive response? It’s meaningless static. White noise. So, we have two destructive responses and one unhelpful response. What, then, is the active constructive response? The active constructive response is simple, but it does not come naturally to most people. It’s something you have to think about and intentionally practice.

The active constructive response seeks to get the person to relive the experience. Quite simply, the active constructive response is, “Tell me the story.” The listener then draws the story out of the person, listening attentively and asking questions for clarification or for more detail. The listener can ask what qualities she has that got her the contract, what benefits come with it (income, promotion, etc.), or ask her to repeat the words her boss said to her. As the person relates the story, she relives it and all the positive emotions that came with it. By reliving the experience through active constructive responding, she will reexperience the joy, pleasure, happiness, and triumph. There is a second benefit as well. When your spouse relives the experience with you, she then begins to associate your presence with her good fortune. Before long, it is no longer just “her” victory, it becomes “our” victory. It’s a team win.

The use of active constructive responding in relationships has led to an increase in the quantity and quality of sexual relations, an increase in feelings of closeness, and a decrease in problems and arguments. Even better news is that active constructive responding is not just for couples. It can be used with other relatives, coworkers, and friends. It can be used to bring closeness to any relationship.