Six Differences in Couples' Communication Style

Here are six compare-and-contrast methods of communication that we all do at times:

1. Why Bother Talking?

The male side wants the conversation to have a clear cut, straight forward reason. Communication is about problem-solving or making a point. Think about the male symbol of the circle with an arrow coming from it—straight to the point. Communication is about getting to the heart of the problem and solving it in the most logical, coherent, and effective way. He wants to fix the problem.

The female side uses the act of communicating to explore her feelings. She isn’t necessarily looking for a solution, just talking about it makes her feel better. She is sharing her thoughts, feelings, troubles, and concerns with her partner. Think about the female symbol of a circle with a cross at the bottom—the points of the cross go outward in every direction. Through sharing, she is expelling that negative energy and emotion outward, dispersing it. She doesn’t want him to fix her problems, she wants him to listen.

2. How We Listen

The male side listens with intent. He assumes she is talking to him as a man would; that she is telling him about a problem for which she wants his advice. He wants only the important (to him) details. Go back to the visual of the male symbol—information comes straight in through one narrow point. He listens for hints and clues that will lead him to a firm understanding of the problem so he can then offer a solution, ignoring the parts that he believes are irrelevant. He may even tell her to, “Get to the point,” and then roll his eyes when she doesn’t. Instead of listening to her every word while she’s talking, he’s asking himself, “What can I do to fix this?”

The female side sees the conversation as the means to its own end. She wants all the details and random information. Go back to the visual of the female symbol—information comes in from all four points of the compass. To her, hearing and being heard often solve the problem by itself. Sharing her worries with someone who actually listens to her IS the solution she is looking for. When he says, “Get to the point,” she thinks, “It’s ALL the point!”

3. What Needs to be Said?

The male side seeks efficiency in communication. He wants to be precise, rational, and productive. He omits details and extra information that he believes are unnecessary to the main point. Ask him about his day at work and, unless he got promoted or fired, he’ll probably say it was “fine.” If it doesn’t get him anywhere, he doesn’t see a need to talk about it. He will sometimes even cut her off in mid-sentence if he thinks he’s heard enough to solve her problem.

When the male side is upset or distressed about something, he will appear to retreat or withdraw into himself. He will avoid conversation and appear more sullen (than usual). He might spend more time surfing the net, playing video games, or watching TV; this is his way of self-soothing.

Unfortunately, she often takes this personally. She worries that she has let him down or that something is wrong in the relationship. He doesn’t want to talk about it, but the female side thinks talking about it will solve the problem (see number 1, above). The more she probes and tries to be nurturing, the more he withdraws. He begins to think she doesn’t believe he can solve his own problems; that he’s lost her confidence, so he withdraws further. What she needs to do is give him some space, let him sort it out. Given time and space, he will soon reappear from his “cave” with a smile on his face—he has worked it out.

When the female side is upset or distressed about something, she is more emotionally expressive than her partner. She may cry, cling, and (to him) rant and rave. She may sit in the living room or other common area and stew, with a “don’t come near me” look on her face. She is releasing the negative emotional energy that is pent up inside her; this is her way of self-soothing.

In a healthy relationship, partners try to meet each other’s needs, but difficulties arise when we don’t understand our partner’s communication style. It breaks down when the male side feels like he is being told what to do. He wants to feel like he is competent and in control of his situation. When he feels like his partner is doubting his abilities, he is hurt and starts putting up walls. Eliminate the “shoulds.” Instead of telling him he “should” do [this], tell him, “You might think about [this] solution,” or “Maybe you could try [this].” Give him input, but let the final solution be his idea.

If you still feel like you’re getting nowhere, seek a qualified therapist. Sometimes it helps to talk to an objective third party who can help you get over the hurdles and teach the two of you how to handle them in the future.