Are Intensive Couples Retreats More Effective Than Weekly One Hour Sessions?
Generally speaking, I would recommend the multi-day retreat for couples who don’t necessarily have a specific problem, but are interested in growing closer and learning more about each other. Many of these retreats teach useful skills such as communication, partner appreciation, finance management, dividing the household chores, parenting, and many others. This type of retreat can also be an excellent resource for premarital couples.
Couples in crisis, on the other hand, would generally be better served with more in-depth counseling consisting of one or two sessions per week. Retreats usually include multiple couples and have a one-size-fits-all approach. When a couple has a specific problem(s), they need counseling that is individualized to their specific needs.
In couples retreats, one session is immediately followed by another and another and another, often for eight to ten hours a day. This can be detrimental to the couple in crisis. When dealing with the potentially volatile issues that accompany relationship problems, the couple in crisis can easily succumb to emotion fatigue and begin arguing or, even worse, become apathetic. The couple in crisis will need that break between sessions to decompress, talk, and digest what they’ve learned about themselves and each other.
Couples counseling often includes homework assignments as well as skills and techniques for the couple to practice between sessions. These things are very difficult to do in the fast-paced environment of a couples retreat.
Lastly, couples in crisis need long-term reinforcement they will not get in a “three-day wonder” retreat. Even after the primary counseling is done, the couple might want to continue seeing the counseling once a month for several months to check in and “tweek” any issues that may need it.
In summary, if you want to spend a long weekend with other couples, going to marriage workshops and learning to maximize your relationship’s potential, a couples retreat might be the thing for you. If you have specific issues or problems that you need help addressing, I would recommend couples counseling.
ACTIVE
PASSIVE
CONSTRUCTIVE
DESTRUCTIVE
Using this model, an active destructive response would be something like, “Well, I guess the kids and I won’t see you for the next three months!” or something similarly negative. A passive destructive remark would be, “That’s nice, what do you want for dinner?” Most of us would probably go to the passive constructive response, which would be something like, “Congratulations, good job.”
Most people will immediately see how the two destructive responses are destructive to the relationship, but what about the passive constructive response? It’s meaningless static. White noise. So, we have two destructive responses and one unhelpful response. What, then, is the active constructive response? The active constructive response is simple, but it does not come naturally to most people. It’s something you have to think about and intentionally practice.
The active constructive response seeks to get the person to relive the experience. Quite simply, the active constructive response is, “Tell me the story.” The listener then draws the story out of the person, listening attentively and asking questions for clarification or for more detail. The listener can ask what qualities she has that got her the contract, what benefits come with it (income, promotion, etc.), or ask her to repeat the words her boss said to her. As the person relates the story, she relives it and all the positive emotions that came with it. By reliving the experience through active constructive responding, she will reexperience the joy, pleasure, happiness, and triumph. There is a second benefit as well. When your spouse relives the experience with you, she then begins to associate your presence with her good fortune. Before long, it is no longer just “her” victory, it becomes “our” victory. It’s a team win.
The use of active constructive responding in relationships has led to an increase in the quantity and quality of sexual relations, an increase in feelings of closeness, and a decrease in problems and arguments. Even better news is that active constructive responding is not just for couples. It can be used with other relatives, coworkers, and friends. It can be used to bring closeness to any relationship.
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